


Scruggles McGee 2: The Domain of Scruggles

by hitchhikersguidetothealexy



Series: The Adventures of Scruggles McGee [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Screenplay/Script Format, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28630512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchhikersguidetothealexy/pseuds/hitchhikersguidetothealexy
Summary: a sequel to Scruggles McGee: The Guy Who Lives in the Tunnels, because one was simply not enough
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, The Admiral & Georgie Barker, The Admiral & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, The Admiral & Martin Blackwood
Series: The Adventures of Scruggles McGee [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098125
Comments: 17
Kudos: 35





	Scruggles McGee 2: The Domain of Scruggles

[FOOTSTEPS.]

JON  
How much longer does this tunnel go? 

GEORGIE  
Actually? I’m not sure. I don’t think I recognize this tunnel. Maybe we took a wrong turn somewhere.

MELANIE  
Yeah I’ve never seen this tunnel before. 

[BEAT.]

MELANIE  
It was a joke. Because I don’t have eyes.

MARTIN  
That’s funny.

MELANIE  
No you’re not allowed to find it funny. Just me.

JON  
So are we lost? 

GEORGIE  
Probably not. Probably if we just--

SCRUGGLES  
Oh hey guys, what’s up?

MELANIE  
Who was that?

MARTIN  
Oh my god. 

JON  
Is that--

SCRUGGLES  
It’s me! You’re old pal Scruggles McGee!

JON  
This can’t be happening. 

MARTIN  
Scruggles! I’ve missed you! 

SCRUGGLES  
You have?

MARTIN  
No actually I totally forgot about you.

SCRUGGLES  
That’s okay I did too.

JON  
You forgot about us?

SCRUGGLES  
No I forgot about me. My concept of self gets challenged daily. 

MELANIE  
Wait who is this guy?

MARTIN  
Scruggles McGee.

JON  
Scruggles McGee.

SCRUGGLES  
Hi, I’m--

MELANIE  
Scruggles McGee, yes, I know. But who is he?

MARTIN  
He’s...he’s just this guy.

JON  
He lives in the tunnels.

MELANIE  
There was a guy in the tunnels and you never told us?

MARTIN  
I don’t know, it just never seemed important? He’s just kinda forgettable, ya know? No offense, Scruggles.

SCRUGGLES  
None taken. That’s what my mom used to say all the time. So, do you like the new tunnel? I did some redecorating.

GEORGIE  
It’s actually really nice.

MARTIN  
Yeah, I’ve always thought the tunnels could use some fairy lights.

GEORGIE  
Is that a “Live Laugh Love” wall hanging?

SCRUGGLES  
Actually if you look closer it just says “Live Live Live.” It’s because I have a problem where I often forget to breathe so it’s a good reminder. 

MARTIN  
Oh right. You have a medical condition. 

GEORGIE  
You have a medical condition?

SCRUGGLES  
I have a medical condition.

MARTIN  
He has a medical condition.

SCRUGGLES  
Please, have a seat on these Djungelskog chairs I got from Apocalypse IKEA.

JON  
How is Apocalypse IKEA different from normal IKEA?

SCRUGGLES  
No meatballs.

GEORGIE  
Is that a painting? Did you do that yourself?

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah I’ve actually taken up art as one of my hobbies while I’ve been down here alone.

JON  
Can we focus on ending the apocalypse please?

GEORGIE  
Hold on I want to hear about Scruggles art. That’s really captivating Scruggles. You have a natural talent. 

SCRUGGLES  
Wow. Thank you. It all started when I would do finger painting with hot sauce packets--

JON  
No one cares.

GEORGIE  
I care.

MARTIN  
I actually care a little too. 

MELANIE  
Yeah me too.

JON  
What is wrong with you people. 

[ALL ANSWER SIMULTANEOUSLY]

GEORGIE  
No fear.

MELANIE  
No eyes.

MARTIN  
Mommy issues. 

SCRUGGLES  
I was born with my feet on backwards. 

JON  
I shouldn’t have asked. Wait, what?

MARTIN  
I said I have mommy issues.

JON  
No, not that. We all know that.

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah that’s why I only walk backwards. Have you guys seriously not noticed?

JON  
Wait, hold on. Scruggles, how are you okay? Why are you not in a fear domain? 

MARTIN  
Do you have your own fear domain on account of being Elias’ acid dealer?

SCRUGGLES  
What’s a fear domain?

GEORGIE  
Scruggles, if you don’t know what a domain is then why do you have a sign that says “Scruggles Domain?”

MARTIN  
Also why did you spell your own name wrong?

SCRUGGLES  
I can never decide if I want to have one g or two. 

MARTIN  
Yeah no that makes sense I’m just wondering why you put a “w” in it.

SCRUGGLES  
I just call this place my domain. Ya know, like my house.

JON  
That’s not a fear domain. A fear domain is a realm ruled but the entity that strikes terror into your heart, complete with a form of torture crafted just for your own personal horror. 

SCRUGGLES  
Oh yeah I have one of those. Don’t hang out there much though. Too scary.

JON  
Yeah that’s...that’s kinda the whole point. 

MARTIN  
What entity is it?

SCRUGGLES  
The Goose.

JON  
That’s not an entity.

SCRUGGLES  
Mmmm yeah I’m pretty sure it is.

MARTIN  
There’s only fifteen entities.

SCRUGGLES  
No there’s sixteen. There’s also The Goose. 

MARTIN  
What’s it the fear of?

SCRUGGLES  
Geese.

JON  
Just...geese?

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah. They had to make it special for me because I’m not afraid of anything else.

JON  
You’re joking. 

SCRUGGLES  
No it’s just I was raised in a life full of unfettered chaos. You see, my parents were really into bath salts--

JON  
Yes I remember. 

SCRUGGLES  
So they raised me to fear nothing. But somehow I still ended up with this fear of guess. So they had to make a special entity just for me because I’m the only person that’s immune to the other ones. 

JON  
So what is your domain like?

SCRUGGLES  
Just a bunch of geese. Since I’m the only person who’s only afraid of geese there’s no one in there. It’s just geese.

MARTIN  
Why are you so afraid of geese?

SCRUGGLES  
Why aren’t you?

MARTIN  
I’ve never seen a goose in person.

SCRUGGLES  
I haven’t either.

MARTIN  
Than how can you be--

SCRUGGLES  
Let me but this in layman’s terms. What is it that all creatures have in common? Self-preservation. Whether it takes the form of a fear of God or a fear of death, there is something we all fear. Because we all know that something out there can end us, or make us wish we were ended long ago. But geese? Geese know no fears. I don’t know the twisted mind of a goose, I don’t know if it’s because they are simply unaware of their mortality or they simply do not mind, but there is one thing I know for certain: geese know no god. All they know is fury. If you want to be reminded of your own fragile place atop the food chain, just look into the eyes of a goose and you will remember that you are only flesh and blood, and that creature is something more. Behind those eyes is not a creature that has ever felt pain. There is only unfettered rage and if you become so unfortunate to incur it, then I pity you, and may God have mercy on your soul. Because that goose will have no mercy. Geese do not know mercy. They know nothing but chaos. And that’s where I wear Heelies. If I am so unlucky as to cross paths with a goose, at least I know I make a speedy escape before I meet my feathery fate. 

MARTIN  
So, did something bad happen with you and a goose, or…

SCRUGGLES  
Nah they just freak me out. 

JON  
Wait, you’re wearing heelies? 

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah. 

MARTIN  
To be fair, so am I.

JON  
Wait, you are?

GEORGIE  
Yeah, I am too.

MELANIE  
Me too.

JON  
Is everyone wearing heelies but me?

MARTIN  
No, you are too. 

JON  
Wait, what? How have I been wearing heelies this whole time? 

MARTIN  
It was never relevant to the plot.

JON  
Actually it’s very relevant to the plot. We could have been travelling this whole time via the convenient wheels in our heels!

MELANIE  
Are we going to get back to the cult or not?

GEORGIE  
Actually I’m finding Scruggles place really comfy. I might hang out here for a bit. Can I have this Capri Sun?

SCRUGGLES  
Of course! Mi casa está llena de arañas.

MARTIN  
I don’t think that’s an expression.

SCRUGGLES  
Mmmm I’m pretty sure it is.

THE ADMIRAL  
Meow.

SCRUGGLES  
Is that a cat?

GEORGIE  
I’m pretty sure it is but now that you mention it maybe it’s something else. 

SCRUGGLES  
I actually speak cat.

JON  
That’s not a thing. 

MARTIN  
Wow! Is it because of your many years pretending to be a dog? 

SCRUGGLES  
No it’s because of my love of the Warrior Cats books. 

MARTIN  
Oh right. 

THE ADMIRAL  
Meow. 

SCRUGGLES  
Oh of course. 

JON  
You’re not actually talking to The Admiral.

SCRUGGLES  
Actually he’s a Major General and he would like you to address him as such. 

JON  
What?

SCRUGGLES  
That’s his rank. 

JON  
In what, his “clan?” 

SCRUGGLES  
No, cat’s don’t actually have clans. That’s just a fiction made up for the Warriors books, obviously! No, I mean in the Cat Military. This cat is actually a high ranking officer. 

THE ADMIRAL  
Meow.

SCRUGGLES  
No, I won’t tell them about your war crimes. 

GEORGIE  
The Admiral would never commit war crimes.

MELANIE  
The Admiral commits hate crimes against me everyday.

GEORGIE  
Good point.

SCRUGGLES  
You can leave the Major General with me while you guys go visit your cult.

GEORGIE  
Yeah okay I trust you Scruggles. 

SCRUGGLES  
Have fun leading your new apocalypse religion! 

THE ADMIRAL  
I started the Iraq War. 

JON  
What?

SCRUGGLES  
He said “meow.”

THE ADMIRAL  
I was one of Nixon’s top advisors. I invaded Kuwait. 

SCRUGGLES  
He’s being silly. 

GEORGIE  
Okay I believe you. Bye Scruggles! Thanks for the Capri-Sun!

THE ADMIRAL  
I fired on Fort Sumter. I defenestrated at Prague. 

SCRUGGLES  
Of course, and remember, if you ever need any acid--

JON  
Yes we know where to find you.

SCRUGGLES  
Actually you don’t. My location is changing constantly due to the fact that I have no spatial memory.

MARTIN  
Oh before I forget--

SCRUGGLES  
Woohoo! Raw meat! 

JON  
Where did you get that?

MARTIN  
I totally forgot that I was carrying it around just in case I ran into Scruggles again. 

SCRUGGLES  
Do you guys want to see me eat it?

JON  
Absolutely not. Let’s go.

[SOUND OF FOUR PAIRS OF HEELIES ON TUNNEL FLOOR]

THE ADMIRAL  
I shot Archduke Ferdinand.

**Author's Note:**

> as usual, thanks for reading! if you like it please share with you friends. im kind of obsessed with Scruggles and I want to spread him far and wide.
> 
> and as an aspiring writer/comedian/game designer your support is incredibly important to me, so if ya wanna help me out, give me a follow:  
> twitter and tiktok - @alexyquest  
> alexyquest.itch.io  
> alexjkingsley.wordpress.com


End file.
